yo DOUCHEBAGS

family swim is for familys lap swim is for lap swimmers. If you are there durring lap swim and you SEE PEOPLE SITTING ON THE BENCH WAITING FOR A LANE, get the HELL out of the pool.

Chapter 1. Where we will start.

The Deconstruction of Maddi-lynn Hardy.

She was in the backyard say it was a little past nine, when her prince pulled up, white pick up truck...
A low growl made its way up the gravel driveway. The familiar kick back of dust and debris gave Maddy's delicate skin goose bumps. Her lips began to crack a devilish smile. The same sound sent her dad into a whirlwind of concern.

Hank’s daughter is a young girl barley out of high school. One look at this fella' would concern any parent. His tri-colored hair, that changed, it seemed, by the hour and his tattooed covered arms accessorized nicely his eccentric clothing. He always wore the same dark colors except for the bright splash of neon that peeked out through the ripped sleeves on his bare arms. Hank just shook his head.
"Daddy, I will be out late. I love you, I will be safe." Maddy shot up, kissed her father gently on his wrinkled cheek and let the screen door slam behind her as she raced for the truck. Her dark hair flowing freely behind her, wild and crazy, just like her. Like her when she was with him.
There he was. Too small for such a big truck but she didn't care. Maddy scaled up into the cab, glowing.
"Hey there sunshine." Jeff smiled. His sweet, southern soul dripped out of his mouth with every word.
Maddy could hardly contain her self. She lunged for him grasping his face between her small hands and kissed him deeply. "Hi rockstar." She sighed. "Where are we going tonight?"
"Well, I thought we'd go to Murry's."
"What’s the occasion?'
"Nothing. Just feel like a nice dinner with a pretty girl." He gently touched her knee, flashing his priceless hardy boy smile, complete with dimples and everything. When he smiled, so did his dark eyes.
"Well okay then. Reason enough for me."
And so they drove. She was happy. And she felt beautiful. Next to him, everything was wonderful. The year they had been together had been the best year of her life. He had been there for her while she suffered, and pieces of her died as she watched her mom deteriorate from the tumors that slowly ate away her life. He was there when the storm took off the roof to her and her father’s old southern home that had been in the family since forever. And most important, he was there, in the back row, hidden in the shadows, when her name was called and she graced the small Melbourne auditorium with her lovely presence as she accepted her high school diploma.
The up scale, which for this town simply meant you waited to be seated, restaurant was pretty well stocked with locals. Everyone knew everyone else but in this town, everyone pretended to be strangers. It was easier to hide from reality and maintain secrecy than talk about it with the person next to you. For a small town, Melbourne sure had the attitude of a big city.

They ate well that night. Steaks and potatoes. Dark grape juice served in wine glasses added to the sophistication of the atmosphere. Jeff and Maddy laughed. People stared. Nothing mattered to them though. The waitress came to ask for dessert with the check, assuming that like most customers no one ‘had room’ for dessert.

“You know, I think we’ll have a slice of the chocolate sin back there, with two forks please.” Jeff motioned to a delicate piece of chocolate cake.

“Right away.”

“Jeff, dessert too huh? Are you breaking up with me and trying to lesson the blow with chocolate?” Maddy giggled.

“No, but I do have a reason for bringing you here.” Jeff shuffled in his seat, digging something out of his pocket. As the cake was set before them, Jeff’s left hand resurfaced with a stack of folded up white paper. “Here, take a look at these.”

Maddy took the papers and delicately unfolded them, never breaking eye contact with Jeff. When she could avoid it no longer, she began to read the wordy documents.

“Oh my goodness…Jeff, this is…wow, I am so proud of you!” Maddy threw her arms around him. “You finally are getting to live your dream! What about Matty, does he get one too?”

“Yep. Both of us. We are starting together. Me and Matt.”

“Wow, Jeff that is incredible. Congratulations, you both deserve it!”

Jeff picked up a fork stabbing it into the chocolate cake in front of him, blushing. “Maddi-lynne, there is one other thing.” Jeff looked up at her as she let the chocolate cake melt in her mouth. Her beautiful eyes closed, to enjoy the bitter dark chocolate as it coated her mouth. “You know, we are going to be on the road a lot, well, all the time really, and so I won’t see Melbourne much at all any more. I was thinking, since you finished school and don’t have any plans, and are itching to get out of this small town as much I am, maybe, you could come with Matt and me. We are selling everything and buying an RV to travel around with so we can save money. I already talked to Matt and he is all for it. Maddy before you say no, just think about it.”

Maddy almost spit the cake back out. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The big news was sweetly coated in his southern charm. This was life, and it was happening. Her dad would blow a gasket. “Yes.”

“What? Yes? That easy? I didn’t have to entice you any more than that? I had so much saved up to convince you to come…I hadn’t prepared for this part.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world Jeff.”

They finished the cake talking about what’s to come and making plans. In the back of her busy mind Maddy planned carefully how to break the news to her dad. She wasn’t sure if he would ultimately approve, but either way, she was going. After all, she was an adult now and he couldn’t do anything to hold her back any more.

Before taking her home for the night, Jeff stopped at their favorite spot. The White Star Hotel on Broadway. This hotel was as elite as it got in Melbourne, but the hotel itself wasn’t the attraction. Jeff knew a member or three of the full time staff and they let him do as he liked, including meditating on the roof top. So, the two of them snuck, sort of, up to the rooftop, being sure to prop the door open with the metal piping left by hotel staff. Everyone liked this spot. It was high enough to shut out the small city sounds and reflect in the wind.

Underneath the stars, Jeff held her. Lying down on the blanket from the back of his truck they laughed, kissed, wrestled, and kissed. Hand in hand the whole time. Stars above created the perfect lighting as they enjoyed each other.

They pulled down the familiar gravel driveway up to the large white country house. Jeff kissed her sweetly on her cheek. “See ya sunshine.”

“Goodnight rockstar.”

He watched those hips of hers swing up the steps to the large double doors. As she always did, she turned and gave him her best smile as the front door closed behind her.

“Hey daddy, I see you waited up for me again.”

“Yes well, dad’s do that sort of thing. Now that you are home, I’m going to head to bed.”

“Okay. Hey dad…we have to talk in the morning.”

Her dad turned, and gave her a knowing look before slowly making his way up to his bedroom.

Maddy sunk deep into the over stuffed sofa, smiling. She felt beautiful.

my list.

while browsing thru a small pile of secrets on my favorite internet hangout site I came across something so inspired it deserved a blog. (*Cough*facebook PS group *cough*)
"You always write down what you need to do and never what you've done. You've got it backwards."
At this point in my life it seems like a never ending to do list. as that list grows so does my feeling of inadequacey. It is difficult to get a bachelor degree job in a small town and so i feel as if I am a loser who cant do anything but I forget everything that I have done that should keep me going on these days.

I have survived the odds. Some real ones, some imposed upon me because of rules society has created.
I was raised in a single parent family. Wit ha drug addicted alcohol father. I maintained a 3.0 avg throughout school in a single parent home. apparently thats hard with only one parent?
While going through one of the roughest periods in a growing childs life (middle school) I was sexually assaulted on a daily basis by a group of boys. I didnt drop out of school. I kept going. everyday. eventually making to the safety of high school where i became a beautiful dancer until I got hurt.
A tragic injury that would end my passion. I was in and out of doctors for years getting the pain to managble level. I was on and off crutches for over two years. On pain meds for longer and I still suffer but I never gave up. I kept smilin.
I was raped in the middle of a promising colelge career. I struggled hard. Battled horrible addiction. But i survived. And fell in love. I conquered some levels of my anxiety and became a promient student leader on campus. I mainted a 3.0 gpa while working full time. I lived in my first apartment. I got a car.
I graduated college. I have a bachelors degree. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I will spend the rest of my life with. I have danced in front of huge crowds. I have traveled. I have sopken my mind. I have done a lot and been through more. FOrget the to do list, I liked the done it list better.

Here's to burning the proverbial to do list that has been my anxious life and framing the done list. I have accomplished something in this life and what will happen, will happen in time.
I wrote a short story that was read by a TON of people.

I am someone. I have lived. To do list no more.

welcome to the planet, welcome to existence, everyone's here...

live while you can.

I feel so insignificant without a job. I feel so shitty about myself that my demons that I spent hours in therapy squashing. It's not like I don't try, I just get turned down. You can only take so many rejections before you start to take it personally.

And then there is everything I lost before I moved. I had a best friend. The kind of best friend that people always talk about, write about. The one that you assume will always be there no matter what. But then a girlfriend came between us. Everyone thought I would be devastated because I was in love with him but I wasn't, I was happy for him. You see, Boys and girls can sometimes be nothing more than friends. Anyway, moving here, i lost him because she got in the way. her arrogance won and prevented our friendship form crossing state lines. I haven't been the same since then. I mean, I have my love now and he has become my best friend, and he totally is. We both hum the star trek theme song while playing WoW and watching it out of the corner of our eye. We laugh at the same stupid jokes we are perfect together. But that doesnt change the fact that I miss my friends. I miss having that connection. I just want a best friend again.

I don't understand why everything had to change. I didn't change, I just moved out of the college town before it sucked my life away. thats all. I had outgrown the town that transfored me into the person I am now and it was time to move on, I shouldn't be punished for doing something for myself. It was time. I put them all first for 5 years and it was time to take MY LIFE in my hands and start living it...so why are they still punishing me????

I guess I must not be so such a good person after all. Well, I tried.

sometimes

i just want to scream...louder than the last time. I just need to scream, longer than the first time. I forget why I do the things I am doing...Why I am here...why I fight. I just need to scream, more powerful than the next time. I just need to SCCCCRRREEEAAAMMM

once I had a dream

Sandstorm

She could smell the sweat leaking out of the tough, military grade fabric. Fresh, hot, sand still in every fold. The fatigues dulled from months under the middle east sun and torn from windy sand storms. It didn't matter to her though. All of this meant he was home. At least for now. In his arms, she was safe from the world.

As he held her, he fought through the mental flashbacks racing through his head. He blinked away memories of life in the front lines, watching men, soldiers, friends, brothers, become scraps on the ground. He held her through the sounds of gun fire still ringing in his ears. The burn in his eyes from sandstorms that never ended didn't matter, while he was holding her.

John was back from his second tour over seas. He fought for no one but the respect of his father. That was a fight he wasn't going to win, and he knew it. After being away from her this last time he knew that it didn't matter. She was all the mattered. Her. She was his life now. His Elle.

"Elle, I won't leave you again. I promise."

"John, don't make me another promise you intend to break." She fought the tear hiding in her eye. Her head lifted off of his chest and looked up at him, "I can't take another broken promise."

Her pain killed him. "I promise Elle, I am not leaving you again."

It had been a few months since John made that promise. So far, it had held true. Uncle Sam seemed to have forgotten he was around and left him alone. His days were spent working at his brothers automotive shop, fixing up dream cars for people who did not know how to treat them right. Clearly they were abused. Elle continued on as if his abscence had never happened.

last night

I had the most vivd, emotional, incredible dream...im going to write it up soon, see where it goes...stay tuned. hopefully tonight I will have a snapshot

on my way here

i've learned to fly i have to want to leave the ground...

inspired. truly inspired.

Dear Mr. McMahon

Dear Mr. McMahon-
I commend you and your staff AND your program assistant. (Um can I have that job please?) I would really enjoy being able to do that. ANYWAY, Dear Mr. McMahon. I've caught up with the amendments to the new wellness policy and I must say, you are unbelievable. I wish that the haters could see how much you truly do to protect the health of your athletes. It truly is amazing. I wish I understood EVERY chemical on the list. I know the gist of what it is they are responsible for and I know the damage they can do...but that's neither here nor there. I think its awesome you release their names so that the fans can know exactly which superstars are letting down there biggest fans. It really impresses me how you are willing to let them go, even the biggest names like "Regal" and "Hardy", that stands out. I would like to see the NFL and the MLB make a move like that. Psh, who am I kidding, the wouldn't dare..Barry Bonds still gets to hold records doesn't he? But you, you sir stripped Hardy of his title and have clearly made him start back at the bottom of the totem poll. Nice work. I appreciate that move. Even though I missed the title run...I would much rather miss Hardy while he is in rehab getting well enough to fight another day than to have him crash and burn in a hotel room and leave us forever. That has happened before and we sure are done with that.
Now, the REAL reason I began this correspondence.
I am coming. Watch out. No matter what I have to do, what bottom I have to start from, I am GOING to climb my way up enough to work in your company. Even if I have to answer phones until I retire, I will be there. WWE WILL be on my tax forms and on my pay check. I wouldn't mind being the gopher for life either. Just know, that I am coming. I know everything there is to know and one could know based on what is released and what is leaked. I got it under control. I will be there. If I have to walk all the way to Stamford, I will be there. Don't you worry about that, I am on my way. I won't stop.
Now, you should know, I for sure have ulterior motives. I have a plan. When I make my way to where you are, I will work my way up to the point where I can start getting things started that I want to see. Where I am at a place where I can whisper in the right persons ear. I want to maintain and keep up to date the wellness policy. The health, both mental and physical, of these athletes is my true passion.
I've grown up watching them rise and I've had the misfortune of seeing some of them fail. I remember where I was when I heard about Chris Benoit, I remember where I was when I heard about Owen Hart, I remember where I was when you and Mr. Michaels screwed over Brett (Nice move by the way), I remember where I was when Triple H disappeared again, I remember where I was when Donald Trump made you shave your head and I remember where I was while you sat on trial. I remember when it was WWF. I remember when people let others be. I remember when sports entertainment was acknowledged and respected. I remember when the WWE/WWF wasn't a scapegoat for the mass media on steroid abuse. Do they even know what they are talking about? Do you suppose the understand the full world of performance enhancers? Do you suppose the understand that their coffee each morning filled with caffeine is a performance enhancer as well? Do you think they know that in the Olympics, too much caffeine will strip you of a medal? I bet they don't. I bet they have no idea how deep that rabbit whole goes and by displacing blame on one of the industry's attempting to do something about it how much they are adding to the problem.
And for ANYONE who wants to say that all of this happened in light of the events that took place last summer with Chris Benoit and his family, needs to check a time line. This wellness policy has been in place for years and is not something that appeared over night. IT came under attack after the tragedy took place. So, stupids, check a time line. And while Cris Benoit is a secondary subject, does anyone else find beauty in the idea that he hung himself using the cable to his weight machine? How much does that speak about the depth of his personal conflicts? Wow. What kind of mental anguish must he have been under when he snapped? WHat did those drugs do to him? Doesn't that scare you? That chemicals he put into his body willingly became the same thing that drove him to snap. Man. I need to fix that.
Anyway,
Dear Mr. McMahon, I'm coming. Start planning now. I'm taking WWE by storm. You won't be the same. I'm one of those kind of people ;).

heart attacks and lying eyes

jsut for the record, bc im an hour away in no right gives any of you permissio nto LIE to me about what is going on. It jsut makes it worse when i learn that there was deceit to try and protect me. Incase you all have forgotten I am darn near 23 years old. Which makes me a grown up, i checked the books, please stop acting like im fragile and broken, i fight my own deamons that say as much as it is i dont need confirmation. Thanks for breaking me down off of the strength I had saved up, it will only take me months to rebuild it up again anyway...i appreciate it.

woops

i fell in love. perfeclty happily accidentally in love.

as it turns out

i havent updated in a while, which is unfortunate, really it is.

so lets see what can I say...

This is my last term as a college student and i've never been happier. I can harldy wait for the next step. Especially b/c i have someone to support me while I figure it all out. Someone who loves me completely. Its so nice.
I never thought I would be able to feel this way and yet, here I am, smack dab in the middle of being in love. Im so glad he was there to catch me.
The rumors you hear are probably true. We are crazy about eachother and migh have done some almost crazy things ;)
you know, as i sit here and play my keyboard my mind begins to write words and illustrations and I am overwhelmed with cleaning yet to do so i must stop there but stay tuned, this flower is jsut begining to bloom.

flying without wings

we stood there, out on the ledge, giving every ourselves every chance to fall. As we stood there he encouraged me.
"Jump." he said
"No," I returned, "I will fall."
"Jump!" again, he encouraged. "don't be afriad"
"No, I will fall!"
"JUMP!!!"
"NO!"
& then he pushed me........
&I flew....

this woman needs....

this woman needs a safe place to land, the strength in your hands, to know you know what this woman needs, is somewhere to cry, so lay by my side, and i'll tell you, i'll tell you, what this woman needs....

i cry alone

& it's so hard living here, on my own....

oh man

so, DR. Caster, you should go suck an egg, or some other phallic object, por favor. You are rediculous. You've been teaching for how many years? and you consistenly have students fail? strudents with 3.0 GPAs> yeah...im no expert but im pretty sure that says something about YOU sir, not me. I work my ass off for you. After today, and your comment to eric buce, i know, you are nol onger worth the effort. go climb a mountain mountain man. ive got better things to learn.

four letter words

if you say something as ignorant as being a switch hitter on friday nights...you deserve to have a blog written about you. thats all im saying.
okay so, here is the real thing that i’ve been meaning to write about for a few days.Its about an ugly four letter word that some people have yet to fully comprehend. This word, when used as a verb implies total loss of control involuntarily and against ones will. It imply’s everything one knows being taken from them in the blink of an eye. It pays no attention to sex or age or maturity. It is power in the ugliest sense of the word. It aims to destroy people, and it succeeds quite well. This word, is never going to be a word that will ever be okay to use light heardidly. Kind of like the N word. Its not something anyone but the people of whom it has touched have ANY right to use. This word, takes lives figuratively and literally. It creates survivors and victims and lost souls. People who encounter this word feel lost and broken for a long time if not forever. Often they never return to the person they were before. Tears fall and pain pours out. Sometimes the experience ignites a new found passion however, that isnt something to expect. Sometimes, it tears families apart. Look into the eyes of a person who has lived this word and you will see everything you never knew, and everything they lost and everything they gained. You wil lsee pain like you have never known. (this does not mean its the worst out there, its just a new breed you have never seen and could never understand, unless you have been there. Out of respect for that pain and loss, please do not use the word lightheardidly, you have no idea what the ramifications of that might be. You will loose my respect indefinitly. I do NOT tolerate it. SOmeone who has been forced to live thru it, i wont tolerate it. I am still learning how to come to terms with it all and for you to use it as the punchline to some stupid joke...nope. Thats the end of the road for our story as any sort of friends. that officially ends it.
thanx for listening.
for those curious, that word, this four letter word that carries so much pain. RAPE.

short shorts and color guard

it is NOT the same thing when the school principle sent you home b/c your shorts were too short as when they sat you down in their office or sent you home bc of alleged gang affiliation due to the color of your shirt. Sorry. no such connection. Your poor choice in clothing does NOT effect the potential safety or you or your school mates. (and pleas dont say short shorts make her a target for perv's bc rarely does it happen b/c of clothing. STOP. ill win. dont start that fight with me please.)
so next time you feel the need to enlighten us with a personal experience. make it relevant. although id rather you not open your mouth at all. you give dancers and blondes a TERRIBLE name, all at the same time.

my fair brady/ maybe baby

so, we all know im a TV junkie. its true, its true.

So,
im watching adriane and chirstopher up to their own antics. They drive me nuts they really do. HOWEVER, its scary bc i can see some of my own issues in her. Our sad storyies of quiet a few similarities and watching her struggle where ive been told i will struggle. it scares me to think that i could end up where she is. how miserable it must be to be stuck in that headspace. it really, really scares me. hopefully this happily ever after will turn out okay

working on a come back

So this will become my new blog forever and for always. Its much easier for different reasons. stay tuned, there is a new fiction coming up, and blogs to come as well. happy reading lovers.

finally im free

i got rid of my myspace. it feels amazing. I FREAKING HATE IT. if i loose friends b/c of it then why would i be friends with them anyway, its MYSPACE.